Why is internet dating such a trial?

It should be easy. After all, how difficult can it be to scroll through dozens of online profiles and decide which ones sound the least dysfunctional?

Maybe I was naïve when I first started playing the game. I (stupidly) thought that people (men) were being honest when they filled out their little profiles and described themselves as, ‘honest’, ‘genuine’ and ‘single’.

Ha! Okay, so maybe some of them are all that and more. But a whole heap of them are ‘dishonest’, ‘scheming’, and ‘very attached’. Or is it that I’m just way too cynical these days?

But I do have the odd (and odd is sometimes more than apt) date that actually could be described as a success. If a guy isn’t too scary to look at, can hold a conversation, and makes me laugh, then I class the evening as a success. More often than not, however, we don’t get that far. I must send out the wrong vibes or something because I seem to be having zero success at finding a mate.

Just in case you’re wondering, no I’m not hideous, nor stupid. I’m just me. I think I’m great (thankfully), so why do all the internet profile men not agree with me? Maybe as one male friend suggested, it’s because I’m intimidating and too opinionated. Well that’s RUBBISH!

So I think its time for Plan B.

New profile blurb:

Attractive, busty blonde: loves cooking, cleaning, and is a very easy lay.

It would probably take me weeks to reply to all the messages I would receive in response…

My readers ask me “Vern” (I prefer Vernon but what the heck) “How do you come up with all them stories? Where’d you get all them ideas? Do you write fast, or half-fast?”

I tell them it’s a combination of diligence and research. Think up a plot, look up the relevant information to support the premise and don’t stop typing ’till it’s finished.

Excuse me. The doorbell rang.

Great, it’s those DVD’s I ordered. I’m a film noir fan. Several interesting titles here…

Oh yes. Story writing. I find a marked level of concentration is crucial to good story writing. I usually…

Whoops, microwave beeped. Just a sec.

Yummy, beef tips in pasta. It’s been a while since lunch…

As I was saying, I do a lot of research before I…

Now this is interesting. Did you know the male porcupine urinates on the females quills to soften them before they mate? Neither did I. Don’t want to get pricked while your using your…

Okay, back to the subject. I usually sequester myself in my den and concentrate on what I’m writing and…

My cell’s ringing. Hello? Excuse me for a minute..

No kidding? Okay I’ll be there in a few. Yes, I’m leaving now…

Darn it, I forgot my dart tournament was tonight. My team was wondering where I was.

Can I get back to you on this? Thanks.

Anyway, let me leave you with this advice.

Both diligence and concentration are the keys to being a successful author. It has always worked for me.

Shoot, they’re calling again.

Gotta run. caio everone.